Dear Kannon:: 1-Year Old

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To My Wild Child, Kannon

It is hard to believe that one year ago I was rocking through contractions, embracing labor, and experiencing a rush of doubt, uncertainty, fear, and love.  Will I be a good mother? What will you look like? What kind of child will you be?  But with each 'what if' I grew more and more anxious to meet your little face.  At 9:24pm on Wednesday October 28, 2009 I became a mother and my life was forever changed---by you. 

You were everything that we dreamed.  Perfect, peaceful, and content.  You were placed on my chest and I fell in love.  Your soft hair, fleshy skin, and sweet smell enveloped me.  We spent hours just gazing at you silent but proud and totally in love.

It wasn't long before you showed us your personality.  You fought the swaddle, preferred independence, and spent hours observing the world around you.  You are creature of habit, you like your routine, and let us know (quite loudly!) if we have skipped a step in your day.  Your smile is charming, your laugh contagious, and your eyes offer wisdom beyond your year. 

We were nervous about becoming parents but you encouraged us and supported us in our journey.  Together we learn , grow, and fall more in love. We watch you smile, laugh, and giggle and we know that we are doing our job.  We gave you life but you have showed us how to live. 

We are not perfect.  We learn every day.  We sometimes skip diaper changes, let you cry just a few more minutes, or give you leftovers for dinner.  Sometimes, we tempt you and let you go for those stairs or encourage you to walk just a bit further and then watch you fall.  But still you love us and each time, you stand up and hold yourself together.

You are strong, wild, independent, free spirited and crave adventure.  

I never thought my favorite thing on Saturday would be rolling on the floor barking just to hear you laugh.  I never thought I would be eating sweet potatoes every day just because they are your favorite.  I never thought that I would be a mother to two boys, let alone one! 

With each passing day you grow and learn even more.  With each passing day we learn more about life, love, and parenthood.  You are the greatest gift the world has given me.  Not only were you born on your birth day, but I came alive and finally became a mother on your birth day.  It has only been a year but I feel that we have known each other lifetimes.  Remember always, to smile, be silly, and love on this momentous day.

Love Always,
Mama

mama confesses:: 9 months

Most mothers get excited about 1-year birthdays and milestones but I prefer the 9 month celebration.  Knanon is 9 months old today.  That means he has been alive and on this earth for as long as I carried him in my womb.  FINALLY! 

They never tell you how long 9 months really is.  When you are pregnant, it seems like eternities pass by.  The days slow, you stumble out of bed frustrated with the gigantic weight you are carrying and you beg (BEG!) for your little one to arrive.  And then....bam!  Your little one has arrived, kicking and screaming, and is suddenly turning 9 months old. 

Life is a miracle.  Growth, development, change.  I was always wowed reading weekly pregnancy milestones.  Reading about ears, skin, and fat cells developing--it all seems so unreal.  In 9 months Kannon went from a merger of a few cells to a living breathing baby.

Now, in 9 months, he has gone from a vulnerable, helpless, sleeping and pooping all the time baby to a little man with quite the personality.  He crawls, stands, laughs (adorable body shaking giggles) and feeds himself.  He plays with Daddy, the dog, and the cats.  He thinks mirrors are amazing and fans blowing wind in his face refreshing.  Kannon, once our tiny 7 lbs baby, is now 19 lbs and 12 oz and 27 inches long.  And he just keeps growing!

We are so blessed to have him in our lives.  He constantly showers us with love, amazement, and amusement.  He makes Dale smile in a way I never knew existed. Kannon makes me tear up for no reason, just because I love him.  

Even amidst the chaos, we remember how lucky it is to have family.  Without family, we would not be where we are today.  Those of you that have supported, encouraged, and loved us--we say thanks!  We hope you feel the same.  I hope Kannon knows how much he is loved.  

Today, on Kannon's 9 month birthday, he gave me the most precious gift---he said "Mama". 

mama confesses:: growing up

It seems each week our lives get busier and busier and I realize that I am not the young carefree soul I once was.  I can't sleep in.  I can't ignore phone calls or let my mail pile up.  I can't let the dishes sit for more than a day.  I am a grown up. 

I go to the bank.  I pay bills on time.  I stumble down the stairs at 7 am each day in search of strong coffee and a light switch.

Our dinner conversations are about parenting ideas, cloth diapers, laundry, and budgeting. 

While we are glad we took the risk and moved, we are under stress.  Money is tight.  Bills keep piling up.  Our trust in people (insurance companies, utility companies, internet providers, and banks) is dwindling.  Dale and I are close to packing up and moving to the woods.

To make matters worse, we only have one car to run two businesses and a household.

Sometimes, I want to crawl in bed and wake up a 21 year college student again--skipping class and sleeping in.

Then reality hits.  I see my husband and son rolling on the floor pretending to be dogs.  I see Kannon smile and bounce up and down excitedly when I walk in to a room.  Bean#2 is kicking away in my belly.

I make dryer balls, I sell crocheted and knitted hats on Etsy, I take people's pictures....and I get paid.  I may not be using my degree but I am certainly having fun and its all for my family. 

I wake up, start the coffee, and get to business.  My days are no longer the spontaneous, carefree days I once had...they are so much better.

I take comfort in the routine.  I love knowing that 1pm is naptime for Kannon and I finally get a chance to sneak away and blog.  5pm is dinner and see how much banana Kannon can shove in his mouth at once.  8pm rolls around and we are all exhausted.  I love crawling into my bed knowing that Dale is by my side. 

Yes, this party-going, class skipping, beer drinking mama is finally growing up. Growing up means bigger responsibilities but it also means bigger rewards, finally understanding what your parents were doing all these years, and learning to love unconditionally. 

mama confessess:: my nose ring

Freshmen year my roommate casually invited me to go with her to a piercing parlor.  I had nothing planned and was really looking for an excuse to avoid my philosophy paper.  So off we went and little did I know that I would find myself in the piercing chair with a needle sticking in my nose.

I gave no thought to the process.  After everyone had chickened out, the piercer asked if I was getting a piercing and I replied "sure".  I was in love.  My nose ring was something that was truly me.  A little piece of individuality, a representation of my new independence, and it was just plain cute.

It came with me to Europe.  It was with me in Spain, when the doctors begged me to pull it out, and I resisted.  It has survived just as many college parties as I have. It was with me when I fell in love, traveled Alaska, and got married. I even gave birth wearing it. It sounds silly, but my nose ring gave me strength and confidence.

A few weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night to find my precious bling missing.  I found a replacement but a few days later woke up ringless again.  This time, I couldn't get my gem back in.  I thought I would try later--maybe the next day.  Two weeks later, my nose is still naked.  This time, it was a choice.

It was time to say goodbye.  The little treasure that got me through college and made me feel special during darker times has laid its grave in my jewelry box.  Kannon has gone from softly feeling faces to pulling, pinching, and scratching everything in sight.  Perhaps it was sign that my nose ring came out on its own rather than being ripped out by the deathly grasp of Kannon.

I miss my piercing.  Sometimes my face feels a little naked....especially when I am unkempt, ungroomed, and running out of the house with less than half a cup of coffee.  It was time to let go.  That piece of my life is history.  I got married, had a baby and moved to Idaho.  I share my life with two wonderful people and I don't need a nose piercing to make me feel special.

Every mother has something special they have been holding onto, reluctant to let go.  Be it high heeled shoes, long hair, or dangling earrings.  Mine just happened to be my nose ring.

So RIP nose ring.  Maybe you will make an appearance another day--for a fancy occasion, April Fool's, or Halloween.  At least I still have my tattoos.

I am so glad you were born.....

Cottonbabies (the makers of BumGenius--our FAVORITE cloth diapers) is having a Mother's Day contest for a $100 gift certificate.  All you have to do is write a blurb to your child about why you are glad they were born.  I spent most of the morning getting teary eyed reading other posts and finally got the inspiration to write my piece::

I am so glad you were born because the Earth is brighter than it was before.  The grass is greener, the skies bluer, and even rainy days are more silver than gray.

You returned magic to our lives.  You reminded us of our youth and the games we used to play.

You challenge us to become better.  Even when we smell like spit up and are tired beyond belief we still have energy to put socks on your feet.

Around you we can be ourselves--running around like monkeys or singing very out of tune to the Beatles--whatever it takes to make you laugh.

Both of us (even your daddy) smile more smiles, share more laughs, and shed more tears at the miracle that is you.  You have only been with us for 6 months but we have known you all our life.

Now, I rub my belly, and I look at your smile and I am spoiled.  Not only will I share my life with you and your daddy but your little brother is on his way.

Once again, the Earth will become brighter and more full of life.  We live, love, and enjoy life because of you (and your soon-to-be brother of course).  I am so glad you were born....

Happy Mother's Day.

mama confesses:: big dreams

I am a dreamer.  But aren't we all????  I daydream about tomorrow, next month, and next year wondering what our lives will look like in the future.  Over the weekend, I couldn't help but wonder what next Easter will be like.  How much Kannon will have grown and changed, becoming the little man he is destined to be.  I imagined the new baby with us, all of us scouring the yard for easter eggs and enjoying a delicious meal afterward. 

Of course, I don't let my daydreaming get ahead of myself.  I enjoy every minute of the present.  I savor the moments with Kannon knowing how quickly he will grow up--how quickly his life will change when a new baby joins us. 

Lately, I have been doing a lot more dreaming.  Dreaming of bigger things, new ideas, fresh faces, and new beginnings.  I am a wanderer. 

We like Missoula, but we are not in love.  I will always hold Montana near and dear to my heart, but the reality is that we growing beyond Montana.  We need culture, diversity, opportunity, bigger cities.  So the search has begun.  Dale and I are looking beyond Montana's borders in sight of opportunity.

Dale has applied for a position in Spokane.  I am applying to grad school.  We have a 5 month old and a baby due in October.  Are we crazy????

Dale and I agreed to never settle if we are unhappy.  It took a lot of adjusting to get used to living in Missoula and initially we liked it.  Then we developed this sort of love hate relationship that has quickly turned more to hate.  We thought things would change when Kannon was born, but they got worse.  We found ourselves isolated, bored, lonely, and wishing we had friends close by--someone to share our life with.

So the countdown begins.  By next March we will be leaving the Big Sky state in search of a new home and a new adventure.  We are looking at Seattle, Spokane, Walla Walla, and the Portland area.  Anything is possible, plans change, and you just do what you gotta do.  So for now, I am dreaming of life in Spokane and what that future may hold for us.  Next week, I might be dreaming of Seattle or Portland or maybe even Idaho. 

But really,  I am savoring kisses and hugs with my son who is growing faster than I can believe.  I already miss my time with him as he is finally sleeping 12 hours straight through the night!

So I send good dreams to all and wish you all to continue dreaming the impossible and living the life you want to live.  

Selll me your car!!!

HELP!!!! I need help choosing a new car!  Dale and I are finally trading in my 2001 Toyota Camry for something a little bigger as our family expands.  It is just clear to us that my little car is not going to seat 2 carseats, 2 adults, a dog and all our stuff.  So we need to upgrade.  Talk about some tough decision making!  I had no idea the market was filled with so many options.  Fancy me and help me choose a car!

Our Needs:
Somewhat fuel efficient
Seats 5+
Hatchback
Winter Ready
Dog Friendly
Spacious for camping gear
4WD (not an absolute must)
Between 2002-2007 model
Under $10,000


God forbid if anyone of you recommend a minivan.  I am 24 and while I love growing up and being a mom, I don't know if I am ready to be a soccer mom, van driving mom.  What's next?  Playdates and princess pageants???

Adulthood

I love reading old posts. I love reminiscing, reconnecting, and evaluating myself b.c. (before child). My writing has changed. I have gone from blogging about menial adventures in my newlywed life to capturing the daily changes of my son. No more struggling to get words out--they just flow freely, full of passion and love for the being we created.

However, I stumbled upon last year's post about my birthday (http://katdale.blogspot.com/2009/01/veterinarians-birthdays-and-my.html) and my struggle to feel like an adult. I mentioned that despite my age, maturity, and responsibility I never felt a day over 16. For whatever reason, birthdays don't bring out the best in me. I guess by the time another birthday rolls around I am already thinking towards the next one. Last year, my struggle was becoming an adult. This year, I transformed. I became an adult.

Last year, I thought being an adult meant having a spare bedroom, waking up at 7:30, paying bills etc. While these things are adultish, they don't encapsulate adulthood. Rather it is a mental maturity that makes you an adult. Some people may have all the things that seem "adult" but lack the maturity to make that transformation. It is a matter of reconciling with your young at heart with your current desires and obligations. Forgoing that extra pair of shoes, in favor of paying for groceries.

I used to love drinking on Saturday nights, staying out late, avoiding my bills, putting off tire rotations and oil changes.

But I no longer desire the spontaneity and chaos of my youth. Now, I balance checkbooks, schedule appointments, clean the house, and long for the status quo. I used to miss our life in Seattle, our days of parading around carefree. I no longer miss that life. It is still a part of me, my history, and how I have come to be...but it doesn't define me and I no longer feel it tugging at my soul.

My biggest desire is to laze around, cuddling in bed with my husband and child. I don't want to answer the phone, or check my email, or go to work. I do it anyway. I do it with pride, knowing that I am keeping my family in order, providing more than just money and food, but happiness and a healthy soul.

Without being asked, I have given up my selfish desires. I have grown up. I am an adult. I put others before myself and constantly seek ways to do better. Ways to become a better wife, mother, and person. I have done all this by choice and without struggle.

Last year, I struggled with becoming an adult. This year, I am an adult. I am a mom, a wife, and so many other things. Everyday I balance my obligations and desires, knowing it will lead to a better future for both Dale, Kannon, and me. The best birthday gift I gave myself was recognizing that the struggle is over. I am content. Peaceful. Happy.

2009 in review

I meant to post this video a few weeks ago but I never got around to it! Let's face it, sometimes things just go haywire around here!!! Anyways, here it is. I hope you like this collection of photos from our big adventurous year!



Or you can follow the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zf84vUHsm-A

a day at a time...

I have been neglecting my blog. I hide from my computer when I walk by hoping it doesn't know that I am having affair with my son instead. As Kannon gets older and more alert I am finding that I would rather savor all my moments with him than stare a computer until my butt goes numb.

My computer doesn't smile at me. Nor does it giggle and flirt with beautiful blue eyes. It most certainly doesn't make me burst with love and happiness. A computer doesn't do this, only Kannon has those magical abilities to make me fall in love over and over again, day after day.

Nonetheless it is time I take a minute to reflect. Its almost the middle of January and I had hopes of posting some sort of reflection as part of my New Year's tradition (see blog from last year). So here I am, typing away while Kannon lays on his activity mat, staring at his elephant (he broke up with his monkey) and kicking away.

This time last year Dale and I were braving the icy roads journeying over the passes to make our new home in Montana. We moved out of our tiny studio apartment in Seattle into a huge 2 bedroom house in Montana. I remember walking into our house for the first time and scratching my head with disbelief. Our house was so big. So empty. We didn't have enough stuff to fill those cavernous spaces. In fact our spare bedroom sat empty for 4 months.



But we filled it. We filled it without delay. Before we had time to even unpack we were given a kitchen table, buying a new couch, filling our cupboards with new cooking utensils and rearranging our room to accommodate our new bed. Before we knew it, we were painting nursery walls and building a crib. We have so much stuff now, that we have even moved onto our outside spare bedroom.



But it is not the stuff that matters. We filled our lives with so much more than "stuff". Our walls now echo giggling, crying, squealing baby noises. My kitchen table is covered with a carseat, blankets, and diapers. Our lives weren't empty by any means but now we are bursting at the seams!



Dale and I jokingly mentioned having a baby last Christmas (2008) but I don't think we ever thought it would happen. We have always moved fast. We have always known what we wanted and how to get it. When Dale proposed, we got married 2 months later. When we wanted a baby, we got pregnant 2 months later. Now, our lives have evolved into something so much greater than I ever could envision.



We shared our first Christmas as a new family. Even though Kannon will never remember his first Christmas, it brought the magic of Santa back--more like the nostalgia and anxiety of waiting impatiently until 5 am to open all the presents.

We burst into the New Year by joining friends at a bar....only this time we brought Kannon along. He is not a big drinker yet, but I am sure he will get there someday :)

We celebrated 1-year of Montana living grateful for all our adventures. The year flew by. Emma, our dog, was our first big adventure. Really, she was the beginning of our family, an opportunity for us to see if we would make good parents.



Most of the year is a blur. I vaguely remember camping at Flathead and hiking through Glacier. But, I can tell you what I was wearing the day Kannon was born. I can tell you exactly what time I found I was pregnant. I can pinpoint the moment I felt Kannon kick, roll, and flutter inside. If that is all I remember of 2009, that is fine by me.

During 2009, Dale and I kept thinking ahead months at a time. We were both counting down 9 months waiting for our little man's arrival--hoping that October would happen over night but at the same time hoping for more time to prepare. Now, we are taking it a day at a time. We don't know what our lives will look like next week, next month, or next year. We just know to savor the moments we have as a young family, falling in love over and over again with our biggest adventure of all.



It's not easy or hard. It's just different. We pick our battles wisely. We take time to enjoy the challenges and successes. I don't grumble at 3 am feedings any more, knowing that Kannon will soon be sleeping through the night--our nightly nursing sessions becoming unnecessary. Last night he pushed me away. He didn't want to cuddle on the bed anymore. Rather, he wanted to sleep in his own crib, sprawled out just like his daddy. Even though we take it one day at a time, it still passes too quickly. I find my waking hours disappearing quickly at the start of every new day. 2010 is only in its beginning but I know it will pass by without a blink.



This is why my computer is neglected.

This is why I don't answer the phone or return emails.



This is why I don't want go to work in the morning or even take a shower.

I don't want to miss any moment with my new love, our biggest adventure of all.

My Winter Wonderland

They all say "sleep when baby sleeps" but with the loads of laundry, dishes in the sink and the 178 new emails in my inbox, chaos would ensue if I slept when the baby slept.

I am a mom, a wife, a pet owner, a VISTA, and a woman with needs but I am no superwoman and the cleaning fairies stopped coming a long time ago, so when the baby sleeps---I work. Actually, I scramble trying to get as much done during my little one's three hour nap. Laundry is thrown furiously into the washer, the floors swept with rage, the emails carelessly sorted through and if our dog is lucky, she gets a few tennis ball tosses into our forgotten backyard.

Today, I ignored my house, my computer, and my dog. Just as the snow drifted outside, I drifted into my own winter wonderland, with a sleeping baby on my chest, a cat on my feet, and a dog by my side. When I woke up, my little one's eyes peered up at me and he beamed the biggest smile, clearly happy about the arrangement.

My laundry is still talking to me. The dishes are angry. And the dust bunnies are attacking my floor but hey, at least we had the perfect nap.

Mom, Mama, or Mommy.....

The morning of our induction, Dale and I drove nervously and excitedly to the hospital. The stoplights flashed yellow and red. A few headlights passed us. The roads were virtually empty and Dale and I silent. I wondered to myself whether I was about to become a 'Mom', 'Mama', or 'Mommy'. Of course, I kept this question to myself knowing very well that eventually time would tell.

6 weeks later and I am staring blankly at the Christmas presents we just wrapped for Kannon. I still don't know what I am.

To: Kannon
Love: Mom, Mama, or Mommy???

I finally settled on Mommy, since that is what Dale always calls me in front of not only Kannon but our 1-year old dog, Emma. However, it led to me to some serious questioning. What does each one of these terms mean? How does one suit us but not the other? I cant see Kannon calling me 'Mom' as its too serious but 'Mama' is how I referred to my mother, a title I am not yet willing to share. So, 'Mommy' it is.

I almost wrote 'From: Kat' before I realized what I was doing. I am not 'Kat' anymore. I am a mother. A mother to an adorable bundle of love named Kannon. I never thought I would be so excited to finally contemplate whether I am a 'Mom', 'Mama', or 'Mommy' but the question thrills me.

Everyday I am constantly discovering new parts of myself, a new identity that I am quickly adjusting too. I love being a mom. Even in the face of 2 am diaper changes, feedings hour after hour, wiping spit-up off my shoulder and cleaning pee off my face because I (once again) forgot to cover that little wizzer. Parenting comes surprisingly natural and I find myself feeling grateful that I can juggle both baby, dog, and dinner with ease and grace.

The truth is, I am finally fulfilling the role I was always destined for. I have always been a mother. I made sack-lunches for my roommates in college (I even decorated their lunch bags with little flowers and hearts). I watched after my brother day after day with no complaints. I nag at friends and family to quit smoking, clean up, and rise before noon (just ask them). Cleaning comes easy. Cooking for 10 a blessing. I love teaching and even the little snot nosed 5-year olds warm my heart. So whether or not, Kannon chooses to call me--'Mom', 'Mama', or 'Mommy' (a question only time will answer) I am most definitely a mother, and that is a title I am in love with.

Working Mom...

Before becoming a mama, I thought working and child rearing at the same time would be easy. I wanted to be a working mother, leaving Dad at home to take care of those domestic duties. However, in the last 4 weeks since our little one's arrival, going back to work was about as desirable as jumping off a bridge. I dreaded the day. I had nightmares, sleepless nights, and woke up in sweats. I just couldn't fathom being separated from my little angel. I thought I would forget what he looked liked, forget the smell, and joy of his existence. Alas, the day has come for me to make my return to work.

Kannon woke up to nurse at 6am and rather than put him back in his crib, I savored his presence--holding him on my chest so we could catch a few zzz's before the alarm sounded. Of course, I ended up tuning out the alarm and started my day late for work. I rushed out the door, forgetting the spit up on my shirt, the mascara rings under my eyes, and went another day without a shower. I didn't have time to say goodbye and just passed the baby off like it was no big deal.

I am in my office (have been since 9 am) and I have accomplished nothing. The computer stares at me with doom. The to-do list is dauntingly long. All I can think about is getting home to Kannon--to cuddle, kiss, and hug him. I thought becoming a working mom would be easy but have realized that it is the hardest thing I have ever done. Part of me is empty. What if he smiles? Or laughs for the first time? How will I overcome the guilt of missing those first milestones?

I realized that these hours at work are my only moments of freedom. Even if it is front of a computer, I have a chance to be me. I can blog, get coffee, read a magazine, chat with co-worker--all without juggling a baby. I find that even though part of me is empty, another part of me is full.

I called Dale to check in on baby and he sounded like everything was under control. The baby has been fed and is sleeping contently in his arms. He sounded proud and happy. Now I understand why Dale was so anxious for me to return to work--so he could bond with the baby solo for the first time.

Then, I returned home. I was greeted with that newborn smell and cute face and cuddly hug. Our reunion was sweeter than ever. As much as I would love to be a stay at home mom, the working mom suits me and as hard as it is to leave every day, coming home is easy.

I left my heart.....at home

Last night I was given an opportunity to go see the Twilight "New Moon" movie--an outing that I had been looking forward to for over a week. It was my first time out without baby and I thought I would love the three hours to relax. Wrong.

My heart ached, my soul empty, and I was lonely--I wanted nothing more than to be at home holding the hand of my husband and my son.

Even though the movie was quite entertaining, my heart ached the entire time. I longed to be at home so badly that I contemplated leaving halfway through the film. All I could think about was Kannon. I could almost smell the newborn fuzzy hair and hear little cries in the back of my head.

My three hours away ended uneventfully and I raced home to return to my family. I arrived to find Kannon all dressed up and wide awake, eager to see his mommy. Dale had fun bonding with the baby and shared with me all of his stories that made me love him even more.

I cant believe that love is such a strong emotion. Of course I love Dale and have "missed" him before while I was away on vacation or trainings, but never this much, a feeling so deep it caught me off-guard. I was crying during the movie but for my own reasons. I cant believe how much I missed my two boys while only gone for 3 short hours. That being said, I am dreading my return to work in only 10 days, where undoubtedly little work will get done because I will be dreaming of little hands and feet.

Two Week Wonders...

Today little Kannon turned 2 weeks old. I know its only 2 weeks but after waiting 9 months to meet this little bugger, 2 weeks is an important milestone. I am not going to get cake and ice cream to celebrate but I will at least spend a few hours cuddling and staring with amazement at the wonders of life.



It still seems like a miracle to me that this little creature has eyes, ears, and toes after seeing what first looked like a blob on the ultrasound screen. Kannon has gone from sleeping all day, to becoming more and more alert, allowing us a few hours each day to gaze into his curious eyes.

We had our 2 week doctors appointment and Kannon is perfect (which we already knew!) and healthy. We were worried those first few days about breastfeeding, whether he was eating enough, as he was done to 6 lbs 10 oz when we left the hospital (totally normal) but had worries soothed when the scale topped off at 7 lbs 7 oz. Kannon gained 13 oz in 8 days!!! Even the doctor was amazed and complimented my milk supply--which has so far been receiving no complaints from little man. After a quick once over, we got the green light to go and will not go back until December 29, when this little man reaches 2 months!!!



We are still sleeping in shifts as it appears Kannon only likes to sleep when held or nursed to la-la land, which means Dale and I get 2-3 hours of sleep at a time until we make the baby exchange. We are starting to think more about setting sleep habits but are not yet ready to take the plunge.

Kannon is getting more tummy time and proving himself to be iron man as he can hold his up to get a view of the world and is starting to pull himself up. His legs are growing, stretching, and strong as he knocks our box of wipes over with nearly every diaper change!



We love being parents and even amongst the sacrifices and challenges, we share more love for this child than we ever thought possible. However, I will admit that last night, I had a "holy shit" moment as I realized the responsibility never ends. There are no days off. You cant call in sick. You cant just roll over and ignore it. There is no snooze button. But, its worth it to see little baby smiles, to smell newborn hair, and hold those little fingers knowing that this child shares an insurmountable bond with you. Its a responsibility well worth doing.

Kannon Charles is Here--Our Birth Story

Kannon Charles
Date: Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Time: 9:24 p.m.
Weight: 7 pounds, 2 ounces
Length: 19 inches

As many of you know, we decided that it was time to be induced and I had several fears about this process as for 9 months I have been imagining the perfect natural childbirth. Now, I realize that every birth is the perfect birth as long as you keep your mind open and take one step at a time!

Our alarm clock buzzed at 4:00 am on Wednesday morning alerting us that it was time to go--of course, Dale and I were already awake, staring at the ceiling contemplating what was ahead of us. We showered, ate, packed the car and headed to hospital to start our induction. Nothing can compare to our excitement and nervousness, perhaps it was like the first day of school or leaving for a big trip. We met our nurses, checked in, and started Pitocin at 6:30 am. At this point, I was still 2 cm and 60% effaced.

The contractions started off great, they were nothing more than a mild stomach ache. We watched TV and were excited to see that a Top Chef marathon would be starting soon! At 9 am the doctor came by and broke my water, at this point I was 2cm and 75% effaced. We were making progress!!!

The contractions got super strong at this point and it took all my focus to work through them. I labored against a wall, as standing was the only position that took the pressure off! Dale massaged my back and coached me through each contraction. The pain was surreal but still manageable. At 12:20pm my doctor officially declared me in "labor", as I was 3cm.

By 2:30 pm my contractions were off the chart. Pitocin increases the strength and effectiveness of contractions, usually showing up at around 100 on the scale, mine were 300 (I cant remember what scale they use...) !! They were coming every 2 minutes and after having made little progress, I decided it was time for an epidural so I could allow my mind and body to relax.

At 3 pm, the epidural brought instant relief, however, it had its hitches, as I could no longer leave the bed and needed a catheter. The pay off was worth it. I fell asleep at 3 cm and work up a few hours later at 6 cm and 80% effaced.

Dale and I were watching Top Chef, excited that the new episode was premiering at 8pm and that we would actually be able to watch it instead of having to wait. At 7:30, I was having bloody show and was checked at 8 cm and almost 100% effaced, I had one little lip that was in the way. The nurse stepped out for a minute and I had a big urge to push. She checked me again at 8 pm and I was 10 cm!!! At this point, I was working through each contraction, trying hard to to wait until that lip cleared and the pressure was intense--even with the epidural! (It really is like having to shit a watermelon!)

We started pushing at 8:40 pm, the doctor arrived just barely in time, as he was still putting his scrubs on as he raced into the delivery room. At 9:24pm, Kannon Charles was born, absolutely perfect, scoring a 9 on both APGARS. Dale and I both cried in amazement and disbelief that we now had a baby resting on my chest. I had a second degree tear that the doctor stitched while we bonded, Dale cut the umbilical cord, and even though I was exhausted, I was flying high with love.

My birth experience was nothing like I imagined it would be---it was better! The contractions were super strong. The epidural allowed me to relax and make progress and I still had the urge to push, which I wasn't expecting! Pushing was the best part, a relief in fact, and I was glad it was only 30 minutes of effort. All in all, we labored for 9 hours (from the time doc declared labor) and needless to say we never did see the new episode of Top Chef.

We are home now enjoying life with our new son, who even in 4 days of life is growing up faster than I can believe. We are loving getting to know him, his personality and needs and are quickly creating a routine for ourselves. Kannon is breastfeeding like a champ and sleeping countless hours! He loves being held, hates being swaddled, and prefers his swing to his bouncer. And, oops, we forgot to cover up, and he peed on our wall!! We cant wait to share more on our adventures!

Playing Hooky!

We realized on Wednesday with the upcoming arrival of family and baby that it was our last day to truly enjoy "just the two of us"--so we played hooky! Dale and I both took the day off, slept in, cleaned the house, went for a walk and enjoyed what will be our last movie for awhile by attending "Where the Wild Things Are". It was such a relaxing day and gave us a chance to celebrate each others company before the real party begins!

Thursday, my grandparents arrived giving me a few more days to get spoiled before this little one steals my thunder! We have enjoyed showing them Missoula, dining out, and of course shopping! And of course, we celebrated Dale's 28th b-day by first enjoying an afternoon happy hour riverside at Finn&Porter and then feasting ourselves on steak and potatoes (true Montana food!) at the Depot Restaurant!

Today marked the beginning of my maternity leave, as I packed up my office, changed my voicemail and announced to the world that I will be gone until December 1st!

Now that our bellies are full, our to-do lists accomplished, and our final moments together savored, we are ready for this little one to arrive!!!! Until then, we will take it easy, and celebrate the arrival of my mom (tomorrow!) who will surely help us get the party started!

When Time Just Stops....

Every week when Dale and I head to the doctor for our weekly appointment it reminds us of how close we actually are to holding our son! These last 38 weeks have flown by yet I still feel like I am going to be pregnant forever! We wake up every morning thinking "is this going to be the day" and sadly, nothing happens. However, we have been reminding ourselves that we need to continue to enjoy these last few weeks together instead of anxiously pacing around the house like we are late for a meeting or something.

Anyways, this Sunday marks our 1-year wedding anniversary and we fully intend to celebrate over a nice dinner on Friday night. We are both amazed at how fast this year has flown by! We certainly never expected this all to happen so quickly but we always hoped! So, in honor of our anniversary, I finally uploaded our wedding video and created a video montage of our wedding photos.

Dale and I met in September 2007 but didn't start dating until January 2008. After only a month or so of dating, we moved in together, exchanged "I love you's" and enjoyed an awesome 8 months of dating. We vacationed in Oregon, went to concerts, enjoyed many fancy meals out on the town, and met each others families. I always knew Dale was the "one" and I knew he was thinking about proposing....I just didn't know when! We went to Alaska and Dale had already said he wouldn't propose in Alaska because it was too predictable....well, plans change and he ended up popping the question over a hot fire next to a glacially carved river. Of course, I said yes!

We immediately started planning a wedding for April 2009 but the planning process alone had Dale and I both in tears and frustrations as we realized we were planning a wedding for everyone else, one that would be big, expensive, and stressful. We finally came to the realization that we really just wanted to get married on top of a mountain with only a few friends present. So, two weeks later, a dress I found on Craigslist for $50, and our few friends, we headed to Orcas Island, WA to exchange nuptials.

We rented a house on the island that opened up to beautiful Eastsound bay and were planning on making a nice dinner the first night but settled with mac & cheese from the gas station as the one grocery store closed at 9. The next day, we slept in, drank coffee, made cinnamon rolls and headed up to Mt. Constitution to enjoy the majestic views of the San Juans. We leisurely made our way back to our lodging and started getting ready for our wedding, which didn't have a specific start time. My friend Hanna prepared beautiful bouquets while another friend, Kaisee, curled my hair. Dalyn, Dale's sister, was floating in between the boys and girls rooms helping us accomplish everything in a timely fashion. By 3 pm we were ready to get hitched and headed up to our little mountain (which happens to be my guardian's yet to be developed property).

We had no music, only a few notes from Dalyn. I wore blue shoes. Our camera was hoisted by a tripod and our only decorations were a few candles, a scarf, and the view. I dint really remember the wedding, all I remember is staring into Dale's eyes waiting for the most important speech of my life. Looking back on the video, I laugh. Our wedding was the most beautiful comedy of errors: the rings were tied too tight, my curls kept falling out, my dress was falling down, Jarred forgot to let us read our vows, Hanna proclaimed the Internet as our justice of peace, and Dale and I could hardly contain our inside-jokes. Overall, the wedding was a success: beautiful and stress free. I wish that all our families could have been present for the party of a lifetime, but if I had to do it over, I wouldn't change a thing as it really was about our love for each other and not about seating charts, colors, and big bands.

Dale and I floated on air the rest of the day. We all chipped in and grilled salmon and pork tenderloin, stuffed bell peppers, and ate cake that was inappropriate but made us laugh. We shared bottles of champagne and Dale and I ended up retreating to the couch to hold hands and smile. Time stood still that day.

When I think back to the day, time stops as all I can remember is the fresh crisp air, the birds chirping, and how beautiful Dale's vows were. We started our own family unit that day and now, I just smile knowing how much our family is growing. We went from us, to 2 cats, a dog, and a baby on the way! I am anxiously waiting for the next weeks to come, but I will remember fondly, the day our family was started-- peacefully, relaxed, and hopelessly in love.

Cherishing Clothing

I normally don't give a damn about clothes. I wear whatever is (mostly) clean, usually the first thing I reach in my closet after a long night's sleep. Sometimes, if I am lucky, I match but usually, I look rather un-styled (according to my brother) sporting the same pair of jeans and a shirt from my early college days. However, I find myself going to the baby's newly set-up nursery to fondle and match outfits for any and every occasion.

Already, I have discovered favorites--the adorable baby items that will undoubtedly only be worn a few times and held on for years for their memory. Some include some hand-made items from friends and relatives, others include gifts that tell or story, and some are straight hand-me downs but nonetheless adorable. Of course, it is a little hard to imagine them on a baby, but you get the idea.



Hopefully, our baby will be wearing this home from the hospital (assuming I don't change my mind or forget to pack the hospital bag!) The hat was the first gift we received for the baby way back in April. My friend, Hanna, had the hat specially made by an older woman while backpacking through Argentina. The onesie was from Dale's parents and the booties are just truly adorable!



This is the only item I have purchased for the baby--we have been given so many clothes! However, I couldn't resist these soft-soled shoes for my little monkey!



After I refreshed Hanna's memory for crocheting, she sent me this little tiger cap she made. She tells me she has more on the way--seriously, this baby is going to be one well dressed little man!



At our baby shower, people painted onesies and bibs, these are just a few of the creations and my personal favorites



With the exception of a few, this basket is filled with all hand-made blankets. Some are crocheted, while others are knitted or quilted. Each blanket is warm and soft and perfect for cuddling on those cold Montana days.

Little Laundry Love

I hate laundry. Before I met Dale my laundry habits were far from sanitary as I let it pile up in my closet, only forcing myself to wash my clothes when I was either out of underwear, or out of money to buy new underwear. I confess I wore the same pair of jeans for 3 weeks when I was in college--hey, it was finals and there was no time for laundry!

The process of putting clothes in the washer and the dryer is fine, its the putting them away part that I hate. I cant stand the way freshly laundered clothes feel...staticky, warm, ugh. Lucky for me, Dale is my laundry god as somehow, he manages to make all my dirty laundry disappear and reappear clean in my closet, folded, hanged, and dry. However, as much I as I hate doing laundry, I did 3 loads yesterday, each with love and excitement as I was washing BABY CLOTHES.

It seems like a simple task, but to me, a first-time mom and laundry virgin, I was clueless. I actually googled "how to wash newborn clothes" because I didn't want to screw anything up. I wanted to make sure the clothes are clean, free of any dyes and germs, and sensitive for my baby's rump. So I dove straight in, using 1/8 cup of Bio-Pac Free & Clear detergent, on a hot wash and cold rinse. I even put the baby socks in a sock bag to ensure the sock monster would leave them alone. Then, I dried them without fabric softener on medium heat. A few hours later, I found myself pacing around the dryer waiting for the buzzer so I could sort through all my goodies.

Baby hats, booties, and onesies quickly filled the table I converted into a laundry area. I lovingly stared at the tiny socks, dreaming of little baby toes and fingers. I found sleep sacks, pants, and shirts adorable. I sorted clothes between "newborn", "0-3 months", "3-6" months and beyond. I imagined dressing our little peanut up in swim shorts for the summer, a fleece jacket for the winter, and even a chili pepper costume for Halloween. And, I admit, I picked out that perfect outfit to bring the baby home from the hospital in. I swore I wouldn't do it but I couldn't resist the lime green onesie that says "little guy" beneath an embroidered moose (I promise, pictures soon!). I pared it navy blue pants, a little blue knitted hat, and blue slipper socks. My little guy is better dressed than I am! And, he is certainly coming home in style!

After a few more loads of laundry and delicately folded sheets and blankets, I turned off the nursery light, and went to bed dreaming about my soon-to-be little boy in that adorable little outfit. Laundry wasn't so bad after all--now if only I felt the same way about my clothes.