Working Mom...

Before becoming a mama, I thought working and child rearing at the same time would be easy. I wanted to be a working mother, leaving Dad at home to take care of those domestic duties. However, in the last 4 weeks since our little one's arrival, going back to work was about as desirable as jumping off a bridge. I dreaded the day. I had nightmares, sleepless nights, and woke up in sweats. I just couldn't fathom being separated from my little angel. I thought I would forget what he looked liked, forget the smell, and joy of his existence. Alas, the day has come for me to make my return to work.

Kannon woke up to nurse at 6am and rather than put him back in his crib, I savored his presence--holding him on my chest so we could catch a few zzz's before the alarm sounded. Of course, I ended up tuning out the alarm and started my day late for work. I rushed out the door, forgetting the spit up on my shirt, the mascara rings under my eyes, and went another day without a shower. I didn't have time to say goodbye and just passed the baby off like it was no big deal.

I am in my office (have been since 9 am) and I have accomplished nothing. The computer stares at me with doom. The to-do list is dauntingly long. All I can think about is getting home to Kannon--to cuddle, kiss, and hug him. I thought becoming a working mom would be easy but have realized that it is the hardest thing I have ever done. Part of me is empty. What if he smiles? Or laughs for the first time? How will I overcome the guilt of missing those first milestones?

I realized that these hours at work are my only moments of freedom. Even if it is front of a computer, I have a chance to be me. I can blog, get coffee, read a magazine, chat with co-worker--all without juggling a baby. I find that even though part of me is empty, another part of me is full.

I called Dale to check in on baby and he sounded like everything was under control. The baby has been fed and is sleeping contently in his arms. He sounded proud and happy. Now I understand why Dale was so anxious for me to return to work--so he could bond with the baby solo for the first time.

Then, I returned home. I was greeted with that newborn smell and cute face and cuddly hug. Our reunion was sweeter than ever. As much as I would love to be a stay at home mom, the working mom suits me and as hard as it is to leave every day, coming home is easy.