balance...

Clark enjoying the park.

We are all in search of balance.  Balancing life, work, friends, family, etc.  My search for balance has been never ending and never achieved.  Before children and marriage, I made all the decisions that best suited, well, me. Add a few kids, a husband, a dog, and two cats and I realized I make the decisions for our whole family.  What a tough job it is.  I struggle to always find the best balance in our life; the life that yields happiness and stress-free living.  We all make decisions in life and sometimes we take risks that don't work out.  I remember stressing over Kannon's sleep schedule as a newborn, overthinking his sleep routine making adjustments that proved nothing.  Eventually, we found a balance that worked.  It is all about discovering what works best for you and your loved ones.  

We went to the Burke Museum!

So, balance.  The last few months, I have felt like I was treading water to keep everyone happy.  I was trying to be a great teacher, a great mom, a great wife.  I was working tirelessly to acheive some kind of balance that left everyone happy and didn't break the bank.  Preschool was expensive, nannies were too.  The commute was rough.  The kids got sick.  I got sick.  After months of trying to make things work, I did some math.  I was paying to work.  After health insurance, childcare, gas, meals, classroom materials, I lost money working. I was sitting on this data, wondering what to do.  I decided to go part-time.  

Waiting at the hospital, this poor kid was delirious at 105.

In the meantime, Kannon caught pneumonia.  I thought his illness was over when out of the blue, he started throwing up with a 105 degree fever.  I took him the the doctor where they were stumped.  We went to Children's hospital for what seemed like an eternity to determine pneumonia.  It was a scarring experience as no parent should ever see their child in pain.  Kannon didn't move, talk, drink, or eat.  He just held on, face nuzzled in my chest, burning up.  The whole time I held Kannon waiting for nurses and doctors, I felt guilty that I left my classroom with a sub.  Then, I felt guilty for not being totally focused on Kannon.  

After a few rounds of really strong antibiotics we were sent on our merry way and ordered to do 10-days of antibiotics at home.  We went to the pharmacy where I found out that Kannon had been terminated from his insurance without my knowledge.  His medicine was going to be $1000 out-of-pocket.  What?  How? Why?  Surely, this had to be a mistake.  But in that moment, I found myself dropping to tears unsure of what to do.  I didn't have $1000.  I didn't have $100.  We have full-time jobs, we both work hard, we sacrifice so much and this is what happens?  There was an angel looking over us that day, because the pharmacist handed me the medicine and told me to go home and take care of Kannon.  She told me it would all work itself out and to be strong.  

Kannon is doing much better but still weak and tired.  He is anemic and will need some iron supplements as well as some time away from other kids until his immune system is totally recovered.  We are so blessed that he recovered so well.  The whole time he was ill, I knew I needed to make a decision about my job.  I need to find balance.  I was so conflicted, I love my classroom but I am not being fair to them right now.  How can I be a great teacher and a great mother when I miss every other week for illness or have a nanny care for my sick kids?  Something just needed to give.  I waited for an answer.

A look back, St. Patty's day, boy these kids are cute.

I rode the bus to work, excited to see my class and my co-workers.  I did everything as usual, got coffee, walked the two blocks to my building.  As soon as I saw my supervisor, my heart sank and like a baby, I started crying.  I knew the answer.  I resigned from my job.  I needed to step back from teaching for a while and focus on my family.  As soon as I said those words, I felt relief.  I felt balance.   

Everyone was very understanding and by no means is this good-bye.  I have already made plans to return as a volunteer and eventually join the substitute list known as the "Relief Squad".  I am happy with this decision.  Dale is happy with this decision.  Most of all, the kids are more than ecstatic to have their mother back at home.  

This means I have more time for all those things I mentioned in last week's blog:  living joyously, following my passions, etc.  I hope to blog more, write more, cook more.  I also officially re-launched my photography business, Happy Mama Photography, and have already begun scheduling shoots for the coming months.  We may struggle to balance our checkbook over the next couple months but I will gladly deal with that than struggle to balance motherhood and teaching and my family's happiness.

PS:  Also, I found my new blogging inspiration: teaching your children.  As I sit here and plan out our week's activities I realized that I should share my home "classroom" with you.  Obviously, children are my passion and I marvel at their wonder and accomplishments.  I often write learning stories for my children and I will start sharing those stories here in addition to our favorite activities, schedule, recipes, and more.  More to come!