mama vents:: the second child

Kannon was 100% planned and we were prepared for his arrival MONTHS in advance.  We took every class possible, read every book, painted, decorated, and had his laundry clean and folded before he was even here to wear them.  We had a baby shower.  Our family begged for updates and name ideas.  We were so anxious for his arrival I started walking miles, drinking red raspberry leaf tea, and doing everything short of castor oil to ensure a speedy arrival.

Things are a little different this time around.  I love being pregnant and while I am uncomfortable, hot, and swollen---I am wishing I had an elephant's gestation period.

Don't get me wrong, I love that we will soon be welcoming a second child into our family.  We wanted them close together.  I am scared though.  I am going to be a mom to two boys.  Everywhere I go, people tell me the second child will be a hair raiser---crazier, demanding, and full of sleepless nights.  Things aren't exciting this time around.  Nobody has asked to know our baby's name.  Nobody calls for updates.  We don't have a nursery ready---in fact we don't even know where we are going to be living.

I feel guilty because I haven't been able to focus on this pregnancy as much. I live off 6 hours of sleep, drink 2 cups of coffee a day, and sometimes don't remember when the last time I ate was.   I am less than 6 weeks away from my due date.  I worry that people are going to resent this baby.  I worry that I won't have time to be a good mom to both.  I worry that Kannon is going to hate me.  I fear the chaos.  I am anxious, stressed, and feeling overwhelmed.

Alas, my due date is 6 weeks away and that means we will be welcoming him into the world soon.  Our family will become a family of 4.  I am excited to smell that newborn smells and to cradle 2 sleeping babies in my arms.   There is no time to dwell, just time to enjoy my last few weeks with Kannon and Dale.