Shortly after my last blog post, I started graduate school. While balancing a full time job, and teaching, my kids got older, my innocent baby became a toddler version of a natural disaster and is now almost in kindergarten. Sitting down to write, just became more and more of a chore. I have so many drafts of blogs that I wanted to publish but could never bring myself to finish. Since 2016, we said goodbye to my Papa who passed in 2017, followed a few weeks later by my Nana. Just when we thought we were getting over the grief and moving on, my Aunt Diana was diagnosed with brain cancer that ultimately claimed her life in June 2019. All this happened while trying to finish grad school, plan a move, and manage a family. Every time I tried to type my feelings, I was interrupted with chores, children, or a painful barrage of emotions that comes from grief.
The past 4 years have had so many joyful moments but were often clouded by my own depression that comes from losing beloved family members. I got my masters in 2017, moved to Denver in 2018, Dale started college last year, the kids have gone to summer camp, won awards, and are thriving in school. However, it was hard to see the good, when I felt so alone and isolated in my personal battle with grief. Yes, I posted many photos on Facebook and Instagram but it was not nearly as satisfying as writing. I favored the ease of posting a photograph and hiding behind pictures of happy kids rather than writing.
Alas, the time has come. Yesterday, in one of our many after dinner moments at the table, Clark asked us about journaling and whether I had a diary as a kid (valid 9 year old questions). As we chatted, I encouraged Clark to keep his own journal but told him if I had any advice, it was to write down the good moments too. My journals over the last 4 years are filled with a lot of negative, nonsensical rants. I wished that I had written more about the positive moments, like making backyard s'mores, playing cards in the car during an afternoon thunderstorm while camping, or about the conversations I used to have with my aunt laughing over cherished family memories. Again, I started blogging to journal and stay in touch with family. Over the years, I have appreciated being able to look back at my blogs and remember all of the amazing things that happened to us. I feel guilty that the last 4 years are blank and someday I will have to explain to the kids why I stopped writing down all our adventures. I know they will understand but I realized it was time to take my own advice and go back to blogging our family adventures again. So, here I am.
**In full transparency, I can't guarantee that I will ever be back to the weekly, sometimes daily routine, of blogging, and it might be another month before I sit down and write again. But at the least, here is a record of why my blog sat silent for so long and my own acceptance and acknowledgement of how grief swallowed part of me and my identity.
December 2019
December 2019
January 2020
